Deeper than Friendship?
by singing potatoes
Summary: **Taito** Still can't believe I'm posting this. NewayZ review please and tell me what you think, no flames though! (Title by i'M-a-ReBeL:P)


I sat watching them from across the room. They were huddled together in the corner of the settee; arms draped around each other, noses rubbing together, lips tracing over each other's.  
  
It killed me to watch them, but as much as I tried I couldn't turn away. I could hear the TV blaring in the background, but I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything but them. He was my best friend and so was she, but at that moment I hated her. Maybe hate was too strong a word, but she had the one thing I wanted.  
  
Him.  
  
To tell the truth it wasn't even in that moment, I'd resented her a long time before that. I wasn't sure when my infatuation with him had started, yes, it wasn't just a meaningless crush and I was pretty certain I didn't love him. I was just fascinated by him and everything he represented.  
  
The holder of friendship, and as often as he chose to be aloof and not show his feelings in a visible way, you could still feel that he cared.  
  
Well I could.  
  
Yamato Ishida, the name just rolled off your tongue, but unfortunately for me, painfully for me, the name associated with it was not my own. Yamato Ishida loves Sora Takenouchi. The perfect high school couple, they were in love and it was sickening to watch, not just for me. Everyone wanted what they had, and everyone wanted to be with either one of them.  
  
But it would never happen. Those two were together for life, I knew that, they'd told me. I think the most painful part of this whole situation was that the two of them came to me for advice.  
  
Should I ask her out?  
  
Should I ask him, what if he doesn't like me?  
  
What if I make a fool of myself?  
  
And to every question I gave the same reply. You're made for each other, go for it. And now thinking about it, I hated them both. I hated Sora for taking him from me. And I hated Yamato for not realising my feeling towards him before he realised hers.  
  
They noticed me watching and turned to grin at me, I grinned back making a comment about how I was going to vomit if they didn't give up soon. They laughed at me and started to watch the television. Not that they watched it for long, no, soon they were all over each other again. Like a rash, only a rash would have been more preferable in my case.  
  
I got up and made my way to the kitchen muttering something about getting another drink  
  
When I got in there I sighed once again, kind of a bad habit I'd picked up.  
  
How could he not notice what I felt for him, I mean, I knew guys weren't exactly good at seeing hints, however huge they were. But, this was Matt and I, he was supposed to know what I was feeling. Well I thought he was supposed to.  
  
I jumped up onto the counter and poured myself a glass of water and sat there sipping it slowly, engulfed in my thoughts.  
  
I must have sat there a while because Matt came wandering into the kitchen announcing Sora had left and asked me why I hadn't come to say bye.  
  
I apologised and explained I hadn't heard them shout.  
  
He was looking at me funnily now.  
  
"You sure you're ok?" He asked, placing a concerned hand on my shoulder, I resisted the urge to shiver at his touch and settled for telling him I was fine.  
  
He wasn't convinced though; he refused to move his hand, still looking up at me, questioning my answer with his deep, aquamarine eyes.  
  
"Really." I assured him. Jumping down quickly I moved away from his touch and put my glass on the sink side.  
  
"You staying the night then, or you off home?" He asked carelessly, picking up my glass and rinsing it out under the tap.  
  
I wanted to stay, but knowing me, I'd probably do something stupid like confess my feelings for him.  
  
So I said no and walked to the hall to get my coat.  
  
I got to the door and started to turn the handle, but I felt his hand resting upon mine. I turned and questioned him.  
  
He wasn't convinced I was ok.  
  
"You can tell me you know, I won't say anything to the others if you don't want me to." I sighed.  
  
"I'm fine." I lied again. 'Please, just let me go, I can't stay here anymore, around you but never with you.'  
  
He still questioned me as I walked out the door, joking that he was the one who was supposed to hide his emotions from people, not me.  
  
I forced a laugh and shouted that I'd see him on Monday as I walked towards the stairs of his building.  
  
He yelled See Ya as I reached the second step of my descent and I waved to him over my shoulder.  
  
I heard his door close on the fifth step and then I heard nothing.  
  
Silence, the building was empty, as empty as I felt inside.  
  
Did you notice how corny I'm being? I did. It wasn't like I chose to be like this. I wanted to be my old cheery self again, back when I didn't have feelings other than those of friendship for him. Or at least when I didn't realise what I felt for him.  
  
It had taken me forever to realise you know. Well, I think in all truth I'd always known, but I'd never wanted to admit it.  
  
We'd been through a hell of a lot together, the whole group had. But I think we'd been through more.  
  
I got home that night at about eleven thirty and the whole weekend I stayed in. I refused to go down to the park with Sora to meet you and with Kari to see TK.  
  
That was what got to me, I was always going with someone to meet his or her friends and I'd always end up seeing you.  
  
You seemed to have connections with everyone in the group and they resulted in me having to see you every time I went out.  
  
And it wasn't even as if I hated the idea of seeing you and hanging out with you. It was just the pain of knowing that I was only there as your friend, when I wanted so much more.  
  
You.  
  
Monday morning, second lesson, with you again. You played your usual pranks, you turned up late for both of the lessons but somehow managed to charm your way out of punishment, as I knew you would for every other lesson that week.  
  
People loved you and your ways and never seemed to mind your cheek. Charming was how I heard you described by the teachers, a rebel, but such a charmer.  
  
They all found you cute too. It was obvious to everyone but you. But you enjoyed the attention that came with it all the same.  
  
The day passed by, uneventful as usual, well unless you count the screaming fan girls that tried to lock you in a classroom with them.  
  
You grinned about it at lunch, pretended like it didn't bother you, but I knew you better than that. You loved that they liked your music, but not that most of them seemed to prefer you to the sounds that came from your guitar.  
  
The end of the day came and I was still smiling. Happy and carefree until I finally got home. Then I could be as I felt, blue.  
  
Like your eyes, another thing that fascinated me about you. You had the strangest eyes. They were such an odd shade of blue, but then they weren't just one shade, sometimes there were hundreds of colours swirling around in there. Colours that would reflect your emotions, or colours that would hide them.  
  
So many things that had lead me to feel this for you, but still I didn't no what it was. I'd convinced myself so many times that it couldn't be love, but thinking back I'd tried to convince myself so many times, that I didn't feel anything more for you then friendship.  
  
Life was so confusing when I thought of you, but when I was around you, just you and me it made sense.  
  
We walked home together, well the whole group at first, each of them breaking off at different streets to get to their homes. In a matter of ten minutes this left a small group of five.  
  
I let you all chatter away, I just didn't feel like it today. It annoyed me how everyone could be so cheerful, especially you, when I felt like this.  
  
You cuffed me on the shoulder and ruffled up my hair, a tradition, but one that was slowly wearing thin with me.  
  
You would touch me, but it meant nothing to you and that killed me. That was more painful then having to watch you with Sora, or you with your fan- girls. This one act that you loved to perform (apparently it made me look even more like a pineapple), drained every inch of hope out of me, any hope that one day I'd be with you instead of her.  
  
Sora.  
  
I hated her right then, how dare she have what I wanted, what I needed. I knew it made her happy to be with him. I knew she was in love with him but damn it! I wanted him. I wanted to be the one he held like that. I wanted to be the one he kissed good night.  
  
I sighed and waved as more of the group broke off leaving us three. Finally after having to wait for them while they made out under a willow tree I'd had enough. I walked off, if he didn't know now, if she didn't know what I needed then screw them both. They could have each other, but this was just too painful for me. And in my eyes I'd suffered enough.  
  
They were welcome to each other, I decided as I watched his arms pull her closer, but I couldn't be around them anymore.  
  
And with that I turned on my heel and walked off, it was all too much, too much and they couldn't see that. They couldn't seethe pain I went through every time he held her hand and not mine.  
  
The street was long, but I walked quickly, I just wanted to be gone, to be somewhere else, somewhere other than here with this scene to watch.  
  
I walked faster, I was nearly there, they were nearly gone, I was nearly round the corner and I was almost able to pretend again. I could almost pretend that I hadn't seen anything, that he really was mine, that he hadn't talked to Sora first. I was so close.  
  
And then they called out to me.  
  
"Where you going?"  
  
"Hey! Come on, wait up for us."  
  
I could've cried, I was so close to not feeling again. Why couldn't they just let me be, maybe they found it fun, torturing me like this.  
  
I wanted to cry. I'd wanted to cry every since I'd found out, but what good would it do? Knowing my luck right now he'd probably think even less of me then he already did.  
  
Why me? That was the question that I kept asking, why did it have to be me that felt this way. Let someone else do it now, I'd had enough.  
  
They had almost caught me up. They both looked concerned but I didn't care. They should know, they should know by now that they were the ones doing this to me. They were the ones causing me to act like this. It was their fault, not mine.  
  
It had to be their fault, I'd tried for so long to keep my emotions under check and I'd tried so many times to tell him how I felt, I'd given him so many hints, so many clues as to what was bothering me. And there were times when I thought he knew thought he understood. But he still went back to her, he still loved her and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't.  
  
They had caught up to me, asking me why I'd run off, what was wrong.  
  
I tried to joke, I didn't run off I said, I walked off, but they weren't going to listen. This time, the one time I didn't want them to they were going to care about my feelings, I hated irony.  
  
It had started to rain by now and the sky had become dark. It was the middle of winter here and the weather had a habit of changing very suddenly.  
  
I shivered and pulled my coat up around me. I just wanted to get home and change into something warm and I told them that was all. Sora bought it; she grinned at me and said why didn't you just say so then? But Yamato didn't, maybe he did know me after all.  
  
Concern was still evident in his eyes, but I turned my head away, I didn't want to discuss it and I think he even understood that, as he didn't press the issue. then. He let it go and pulled Sora into a hug. I closed my eyes in pain and turned quickly.  
  
My mind was set on home, if I could just get there without doing anything stupid, like telling him, then I'd be fine. But home was another 4 blocks away and Sora left us here.  
  
I walked ahead of them, keeping my head down, focussing on anything but them. It was working, I called goodbye to Sora, but didn't turn to look at, pretending to be shielding myself from the oncoming wind and rain which had grown increasingly stronger in a short period of time.  
  
Quickening my pace I heard her front door get caught by the wind and slam shut, I didn't slow down though, if he wanted to catch me up he could, I wasn't in the mood to talk right now.  
  
Almost home, my thoughts now, almost home and then I'd have a whole day to recover. Plus on Tuesdays I didn't have any lessons with him, so it made it easier for me.  
  
I laughed at myself, I always did. I found it incredible that I could be this afraid of my best friend. I'd plan my day so I wouldn't see him, but then I'd spend the entire day hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I was pathetic, but I was in love.  
  
I stopped suddenly and heard Matt thank me for slowing down finally, but I hadn't done it for him.  
  
I was in love with him. That was the first time I'd thought that well thought it without contradicting myself.  
  
The first time I'd said it and believed it.  
  
I was in love him and it was official, I was going to go insane. I mean I got this upset when I didn't feel love for him, I even got this upset when I felt love for him without realising it, but now I'd admitted, now I knew.  
  
I ran my hands through my hair and suddenly became aware of a hand waving in front of my face. I shook my head and looked up.  
  
"What's up with you today? You run off and you keep spacing out on me, you sure you're okay? You can tell me you know, if you're not." He added as an after thought.  
  
I just shook my head and carried on walking but I didn't get far.  
  
I felt his hand on my shoulder and he turned me round holding me in place with both his hands now clamped on my shoulders.  
  
I lifted my head up to look at him, glaring. What? I barked, I didn't want to do this now, I wanted, no needed to go home and he was stopping me. Why couldn't he just let go? I wanted to scream. why couldn't he understand?  
  
I just want to know what's wrong. He yelled back, the wind was now so strong it was all I could do not to tumble over. I just glared at him.  
  
"Nothing!" I spat. "Nothing at all, now can we drop it, I'm cold and wet and I want to go home."  
  
"Matt?" I looked over his shoulder.  
  
Great, just what I needed. Sora had come out into the rain, she'd changed and was wearing a long black coat and some jeans and a high-necked jumper, and I could see what he saw in her. She was gorgeous, even in this storm and I knew they deserved each other, but if they didn't give up soon I was going to ruin it for them. I'd tell them everything, I knew I would and they didn't deserve it. And then she saw me.  
  
"Hey, are you ok?" She yelled, standing just behind Matt who was still holding onto my shoulders.  
  
I broke free of his grip and stepped backwards.  
  
Drop it would you! I yelled into the wind and even over the deafening roar of it still sounded overly loud, ringing in my ears I tried to turn and run but they weren't going to give up.  
  
"Would you just tell us, you never know we might actually be able to help!" Matt yelled, he was angry now and confused, I could see it in his eyes, he had no idea what he was doing to me.  
  
She'd walked up to him now and her arms were linked with his, it was because of the strength of the wind, I'd seen her battling against it, but I snapped.  
  
"You want to know? You really want to know why I haven't smiled properly in over a year?" I screamed. I was panicking now, I was going to tell him, a year of hiding it from everyone and a year from protecting all the people I cared about and I was going to tell him. I was going to ruin everything for them. I was going to lose them.  
  
They were watching me now, Sora looked worried, I knew she cared for me and there was no doubt that I was freaking her out right now. Matt however looked confused, still.  
  
"You haven't smiled in a year?" He asked quietly, I heard him though.  
  
"No and since you're so intent on knowing why I'll tell you."  
  
I froze; did I really want to do this?  
  
And then I saw it, the side long, loving glance from Sora to him. He didn't return it, I don't think he noticed, but I did and it was enough to push me that little bit further.  
  
"It's because of you!" I yelled, my voice dripping with venom.  
  
"It's all because of you!" I closed my eyes, the pain rushing in, I'd seen his eyes, they understood now. They knew why.  
  
Sora didn't. I don't understand, why is it Matt, what did he do. She stopped questioning though, I guessed Matt had silenced her with one of his many looks, but I didn't care I'd already turned. I was going home, I had to.  
  
I felt him reach out to stop me.  
  
Don't! I yelled. Just don't. And I ran.  
  
I'd said it all. I'd told him all. I'd ruined it all.  
  
I ran and I ran. I could hear footsteps behind me, but the years of soccer practise had paid off, as I was able to keep away from them. The noise lessened but there were still footsteps and a hand, catching mine pulling me round.  
  
And lips, there were lips. On mine and then silence, he broke away and I smiled my first true smile.  
  
"That better be for real, Taichi Kamiya." He grinned and I fell into his embrace.  
  
Eekness! I wrote a Taito! NewayZ this is for Thatgirl.  
  
Hope you all enjoy, please review (  
  
Luv white lily 


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